The Epidemic
by Nikkular
Summary: An Epidemic is sweeping across Konoha and beyond, afflicting severe, unrealistic,  delusions. Crackfic. One-shot. Rated T for Safety.


Disclaimer: I do not own Naruto, or any of the characters therein... Pity...

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><p>Shizune tip-toed into the Hokages office, dread filling her at the idea of showing Tsunade the latest report clutched in her hand. An epidemic had started all over Konoha, and beyond over the last few weeks. Its very existence causing Tsunade to not only drink more heavily, but to be prone to violence at the very mention of another case.<p>

Sighing, she closed the thick wooden doors behind her and stepped up to the half asleep Hokage. There was no other option, she had to know about this latest incident. Wearily, she poked the Hokage in the shoulder.

Tsunade cracked an eye open, glaring up at the intrusion. "Yes?" She mumbled, wiping the drool from her face as she sat up. Seeing the report in Shizune's hand, Tsunade groaned and poured another glass of sake.

"What is it this time?" She groaned before throwing back the liquid in one go. She immediately prepared another glass.

Shizune coughed awkwardly, setting the report down in front of Tsunade.

"It seems that Sasuke Uchiha has been affected by this... outbreak... as well."

Tsunade raised an eyebrow, snatching the report off her desk. "How do we even know this? The brat has been a missing-nin for years."

Shizune scratched the back of her head, wondering how she could explain. So many shinobi had already been affected, but it didn't make it any easier to say.

"You see, he stumbled into the village this morning-" She started

"Wearing a... please tell me this report is wrong..." Tsunade interrupted, having scanned the report briefly already.

"No, I saw it myself."

Tsunade grew visibly pale. Throwing back another full glass of sake as she read the finer details of the report.

_'Sasuke Uchiha was spotted at 0700 skipping into the front gates, wearing high heels, a white tube top, and purple mini skirt. When stopped and questioned, he blew kisses at the guards, and explained that he was in actuality, Sasuke's twin sister 'Sasuna'. In addition, he said that he was 'a super powerful ninja, hidden in a super secret location' and that he wanted to find his 'Naruto-kun'. He is now in the Psych ward of Konoha hospital under strict guard along with the other 'infected'.'_

Tsunade let the paper fall from her fingers. 'I need more sake...' she thought. Within three weeks, the same mental illness had spread across the lands. More then half of her active shinobi were already affected, and rumors stated that the Kazakage had also fallen to this mysterious illness. She had already had Ibiki interrogate the infected, but it only led to a dead end with no answers. Half the time, they were themselves, the other half, they thought they were a female twin of themselves. Some even claimed to be 'part fairy', 'part vampire', and part whatever other magical race that didn't exist. Sakura had run multiple blood tests on them, and they were still coming up blank. Was this some sort of Jutsu? A wide-spread practical joke?

With a grunt, Tsunade stood up from her chair, slamming back another full glass of sake.

"Bring me to the ward."

Shizune nodded and silently led the way.

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><p>Tsunade pushed open the doors to the Psych ward of Konoha hospital, making the guards in the long hallway jump to attention. Ignoring their questions, she was led straight to the newest patient: Sasuke Uchiha.<p>

She stepped into the room and immediately fixed the boy with a hard glare.

"Hi! I'm Sasuna! You're the Hokage right? Oh! Do I get to go on a super dangerous, but easy, mission to make my brothers a happy family again?" Sasuke immediately began to babble, his voice mocking a high-pitch, and failing miserably.

"Nothing is stronger than the power of LOVE!" He continued, "You'll see, soon, soon Sasuke kun and Itachi kun will be TOGETHER AGAIN!" His voice cracked with desperation. "And everyone will love MEEEEE." He shrieked.

Before he could continue, Tsunade reached out with both her hands, her fingers glowing with chakra. She immediately pressed her fingers to his temples. In seconds, he was flat on his back in the hospital bed, unconscious.

"Much better," she mumbled to herself, leaving him sprawled out on the floor. She turned to Shizune, "Do a full workup on him. Check EVERYTHING. He's the most recent case we have, with any luck what ever toxin got into his system will still show up on the tests."

"Yes Ma'am!" Shizune exclaimed, immediately calling in a nurse and getting to work.

Tsunade left the room and headed back down the hall, listing off every mental disorder in her head.

The doors slammed open before she could reach them. A weary Shikamaru poked his head in. Upon seeing that this was indeed the now full Psyche ward, he stepped in, pulling Ino along with him.

Tsunade raised an eyebrow, "Please tell me it hasn't affected her too."

Shikamaru sighed and turned to Ino. "Tell the Hokage what you told me at training."

Ino leapt from Shikamaru's grasp, bouncing over to Tsunade. "You know that one Akatsuki guy? The blonde one? I never actually saw him, but that's totally beside the point! He's my brother. YEAH! We're siblings, cause we both have the same hair and and eyes! It ALL makes sense now! I have to go find him! We can be the SUPER BLONDE TEAM!"

Tsunade sighed and rubbed her temples. "Take her to the room at the end of the hall. We're full up, she'll have to share with Uchiha."

Shikamaru raised an eyebrow, "You mean Sasuke?"

Tsunade nodded, "Oh, yeah. Right now he thinks he's 'Sasuna'."

Shikamaru slowly brought Ino down the hall, trying to ignore the tidbit of information he had been given. He hadn't actually SEEN any of his old teammates who had come down with this... whatever it was... until now. But he heard the stories. He shivered, praying to whatever gods there were that he wouldn't catch it as well.

Tsunade leaned against the wall, her mind going through the latest information. The only common denominator in all of this seems to deal with siblings, real or... otherwise.

Tsunade was shaken from her thoughts as Shikamaru made his way back down the hall, slightly paler then he had been going in.

"Do we know what's causing this?" Shikamaru asked, a slight tremble to his voice. Tsunade said and shook her head in the negative.

"We've run every test we can possibly think of, everything comes back negative." She replied.

Shikamaru frowned, the wheels turning in his head.

"Have you gotten Neji or Hinata to take a look at the victims? Maybe it's something chakra related...?"

Tsunade sighed and motioned to the door across from them. Shikamaru knew he didn't want to see, but curiosity got the best of him. Slowly, he turned around, peaking into the half open door.

Inside, Neji sat on a bed smiling as Hinata hummed and brushed his hair.

"Do I even want to know?" Shikamaru asked, turning away from the scene.

"No, you really don't."

"The hyuuga clan is big though, surely there are others...?"

"Not anymore. They all vanished when this started, all that's left is those two, Hiashi, and Hanabi."

"What about them?"

Tsunade sighed, "They've been.. admitted... as well."

Shikamaru decided against asking, knowing he would regret the given answer.

Wordlessly, the two stepped outside of the hospital. It was midday, and the streets were barren. No one risked leaving their home now, afraid that this illness would catch them if they did. It didn't seem to make a difference where you were, but that didn't stop them from trying.

Not surprisingly, the only person out of their homes was Naruto.

As soon as he noticed the two, Naruto changed direction, heading straight for them. The toll of the recent string of illnesses was clear on the young mans face.

"Hey guys, do you-"

He was cut off as a large pool of chakra suddenly wrapped around him. Shikamaru jumped back, immediately following the trail with his eyes to a point just outside the walls of the city.

A second later, the chakra was gone.

"Naruto..." Shikamaru asked uncertainly.

Naruto grinned and beamed at the two.

"Hi, I'm Nariko! I'm the prettiest girl ever! I'm a FOX! Tee heeeeee"

Tsunade and Shikamaru shared a look.

"I saw where it came from." Shikamaru said, his face ghostly pale.

"Let's go." Tsunade replied, an equally dead tone to her voice.

Without another word they headed for the city wall, leaving behind a slightly deranged Naruto.

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><p>With a swift jump, they were clear of the wall. Tsunade nodded to the guards before jumping onto the other side. They set out to search the woods, but another flash of chakra led them straight to a clearing, not 20 feet from the wall.<p>

As they stepped in, Tsunade was almost not surprised to see the culprit at work.

"Orochimaru, why am I not surprised?" Tsunade said, slowly getting herself into a defensive stance. She could still remember the last time she fought him.

Orochimaru cackled, his face rising to the sky with each 'ku'. Suddenly, he stopped his laughter, his eyes wide as he regarded Shikamaru.

"DO IT!" They heard a female voice screech.

Before they could locate the owner of the voice, Orochimaru made a few quick hand signs, another flash of Chakra erupting from his hands and shrouding Shikamaru.

"Troublesome..." Shikamaru muttered as the Chakra dissipated.

Tsunade growled under her breath, preparing one of her renowned punches.

"Fix what you've done, and _maybe_I'll let you live for a bit."

Orochimaru turned and regarded Tsunade as if he only just realized she was there.

"I would but... I can't. It's not my choice." He shuddered after he spoke, as if remembering some terrible event. "I REALLY can't"

"What do you mean?" She demanded, the anger in her voice rising.

"It's... it's... HER." He said in a mad whisper, his eyes shifting back and forth, "If I don't obey, she'll make me... me.. me..." A tear slid down his face at the thought.

"Troublesome." Shikamaru muttered, seemingly ignoring the entire conversation.

"What did you DO to him?" Tsunade said, an eyebrow raised. This was like nothing they have seen from any of the other patients.

"All he ever says is TROUBLESOME! That's how its SUPPOSED TO BE!" A deranged female voice screeched.

Tsunade narrowed her eyes, "Show yourself!"

After a moment of silence, a young girl appeared clutching a laptop.

"You're just an old hag! You have no power!" She said haughtily.

Suddenly, Tsunade could feel all her chakra reserves drain completely. "How are you-"

Orochimaru sighed, "It's a 'fangirl'. She said if I didn't help her... she'd make me.. a... _pedosnake._" He whispered the last word, his eyes wide.

The 'fangirl' grinned, her fingers poised over the keys of the laptop. "Don't make me..." She said, leering at Orochimaru.

That was it! The laptop! Whatever that was... It must be her power! In a final feat of strength, Tsunade leapt forward, grabbing the laptop and cracking it in half over her knee.

The fangirl fell to her knees crying, pulling the broken halves of the laptop into her arms.

Immediately, Tsunade could feel her chakra returning to normal. Curious, she glanced to Shikamaru, who seemed to snap out of his daze.

"What the.."

Tsunade took a deep breath. It was over. Slowly, she turned to Orochimaru, "Just... just get out of here. I don't want to see your face..." She muttered, too happy that the insanity was over to bother arresting him.

Orochimaru grinned, "Of course..." He said slyly. He grabbed the fangirl before disappearing.

"Does this mean it's all over?" Shikamaru asked.

"For now at least..." Tsunade mumbled. Who knew how many more were out there?

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><p>AN: After sobbing in the corner while reading some new fanfic summaries, I decided to write this ^.^ Edited by my lovely FarewellHeart, so bop her on the head if she missed one of my epic typos :P During the process of uploading, my dear friends reminded me of 500 other things I had a pet-peeve with, so stay tuned for more crack one-shots ^.^


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